Agni Kai Relived
by A Flicker of Candlelight
Summary: Like all true Fire Nation citizens, I acted with my heart and not with my mind.


**Oneshot.  
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**Disclaimer**: Avatar and its characters are the property of Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko, therefore I do not own them.

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The fire. It burned, devoured, and manipulated his flesh. Even wrapped in a white cloth, I could feel its fury as it ravaged his tissues. The scent of smoldering skin dispersed in the air took me back, back to a time I rarely visited since I joined the Avatar and the cause for peace. My mind wandered from the present into the past, and there I was, young again, pleading with my Uncle to let me sit in the war room. I remembered feeling the need to take my future responsibilities seriously. I wanted to garner respect from the men that surrounded me;especially,...my father. It was evident that I was not my father's favorite child. Still, I plowed on, searching, never giving up at capturing his attention, his respect, and his love. Even years after Sozin's comet had passed, I continued to yearn for it. It would catch me by surprise and when it did, my feet would lead me to his prison door. Even then, when he looked at me, I saw resentment. I was insignificant to him even with the crown latched upon my topknot.

Looking back on that day, I realized how gullible I was. It was naïve of me to think that my father of all people would think it unjust and unpatriotic it was to sacrifice the lives of men, who wholeheartedly wanted to serve their nation. Even so, I had never expected my life to change just by merely speaking out. I felt that that was what men of honor would do. But I should've known, I should've foreseen what would happen. I was a lamb amongst wolves. My idealism of the fire nation was not yet corrupted. Like all true Fire Nation citizens, I acted with my heart and not with my mind. But what's done was done and I accepted the challenge of an Agni Kai.

As I stood on the platform unperturbed of what was to come, I realized now that I should have been prepared for the worst. Dropping my ceremonial robe, I went over the strategies in my head. I covered the basics I was taught by my tutors and my uncle. I was ready to face that General. I was ready to make a stand and prove myself worthy enough to stand among men.

Based on the crowd's cheering, I stiffened slightly at the indication of my opponent's arrival on the platform. Nevertheless, I felt the adrenaline flow through me, and my resolve strengthened. A slight breeze flowed on my back, chilling my spine. As I began to turn, I clenched my fist, pushing back all fears and doubts. I was ready to fight.

But everything slowed down then as I faced my opponent. Time stood still when the face I anticipated to see was not what I expected. My Father. The Firelord himself stood at the edge of the platform.

My eyes widened, and my body was paralyzed.

To make matters worse what lied in his eyes terrified me. His face was stoic, like all the faces of the Firelords before him I'd seen on portraits in the grand hall. He slowly strode to me with purpose and stopped within a few feet.

As we faced each other, I noticed his silhouette overshadowing mine.

And the moment he removed his robe, I was horrified.

His bare chest glistened in the sun, his muscles were clenching in anticipation for battle. I realized then the error I had made. I had finally understood, and I knew I was doomed.

The fires burning around the platform of the arena shadowed his face making him look indestructible and only increased my anxiety.

My previous strength had left me and I felt drained as tears welled up in my eyes. But I gathered what strength I had left to speak and begged him for mercy. However, when he spoke, his voice was cold in reply to my plea, "You will fight for your honor."

Stricken with fear, I lowered myself unto my knees, and with the utmost humility, I uttered, "I meant you no disrespect. I am your loyal son."

I felt a slight tremor go through my body as he commanded me to rise and fight him. Yet, with tears streaming down my face, I still refused.

In an instant, his ire grew exponentially as he lit his fist. He took a threatening step forward, his face showing disgust. He spat, "You will learn respect, and suffering will be your teacher."

My hope for mercy was shattered when in a blink of an eye, a blinding flash of orange and red came towards my face. Suddenly, there was pain.

Fire. It burned, devoured, and manipulated my flesh. I screamed in anguish as I felt searing pain travel the left side of my face towards my ear. I clamped my hands to my face repeatedly, trying to appease the pain. Unable to stay balanced on my knees, I collapsed on the floor, writhing and thrashing around as I screamed in agony. The pain was so intense and it seemed like forever before I was approached. My vision became hazy with more tears. My cries for help and an end to this pain grew weak. No one cared to hear and heed my call. I was abandoned and alone. My mind was distancing itself from reality by the second. I was about to fall into complete despair when I felt someone holding my hand telling me to hold on. I felt a slight reassurance that someone came for me, that is all I wanted. I had hoped it was my father, seeing the error of his ways in punishing me like this. So I tried hard to stay, to save face, to show that I can be strong. Alas, there was so much pain that I couldn't. So my eyes rolled back as I lost consciousness. And then, there was just a void.

Days later, I found out that it was not my father who came for me and held my hand, but my uncle. I hardened my heart for I was angry with myself.

What a fool I had been to think that despite scarring me and shunning me in front of the world, that I relentlessly searched for Ozai's approval, obeying his every command.

Having been banished days after being burned to pursue a fool's mission to capture the Avatar, I was still bent on redeeming the error I had made. I felt unable to remove the shame plastered on the left side of my face, so I aimed to restore what I had the ability to regain. My honor.

When I reflect on that day in the arena, I realized the similarities between my father and his generals. Being the Crown Prince of the Fire Nation made me no better than the 41st division, I was expendable, just like them. Later, I would come to find out that the sad part was that…I lived and they didn't.

Looking back on it now, I realized that my decision should have been clear once I found out that the Avatar was alive. But after an agonizing two years of being at sea my way of thinking was extremely distorted. I had a one track mind. No longer did I think with my heart. Besides, that's what got me in this mess in the first place, I rationalized.

My obsession for my throne, for my home made me unable to see the big picture. I was in a constant struggle with myself. I suffered some highs and ultimate lows. I had lost everything in order to gain what I knew deep down I had never lost in the first place. In time, the heart won and I not only regained my throne and righted the wrongs made upon the world, but I even found what I cherished the most…my mother.

Yet, still…I had hoped that someday, Ozai would at least acknowledge me as his son, as a man even.

When I was young, I would often imagine moments in time that never truly existed between us. Like a reassuring hand on my shoulder when I hit a rough patch, or a word of advice in ruling the nation, or possibly a father/son bonding moment with Azula being excluded from the mix. Yeah, that often brought a smile to my face.

It hurt how my imagination would display those potential special moments, only for it to be shattered as I faced reality. It was all heartbreaking and it made me feel incomplete. No one ever knew, including Uncle, that I still felt this way after being crowned Firelord. They all thought I moved on and accepted what could never be. But, I didn't.

My Uncle Iroh was a great man. He was everything a father should be. Regardless of what I had done or said to him, he accepted me as his own. In some way, he was like a father to me. But…the fact that he did not sire me kept me from completely casting him in that role. Deep down, I needed that validation to come from Ozai. It was he who brought me into this world and I had hoped that at some point in time, he actually wanted me and cared for me. I never gave up wanting to know that that moment ever existed, even when he was imprisoned. As the years went by, he had never requested for my presence or gave me a word of remorse as he looked at me, at my scar. His eyes were always like the day of my Agni Kai, cold and loathing, even on his death bed.

Although my face was expressionless as he took his dying breath, I was saddened by the fact that he persisted in hurting me. The only difference though between then and now was that our roles were reversed. I was the Firelord, the one standing strong and tall, while he was the lowly prisoner who lay collapsed before me on a mat. And still...despite this difference, I was the one still in pain, but this time it was my heart.

So as I stood here, before his burning pyre, my feelings for him are torn between hate and love. In spite of all he had done to me, and to the world,…I still cared. Many times I would scold myself for feeling this way, but I just couldn't completely eject him from my heart. I guess…love is truly unconditional, and I'm sure he saw it in my eyes. Even though, he denied giving me what I truly wanted from him, deep down even in its smallest measure, I hoped that…he loved me too.

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**A/N: I hope you all like this one-shot. Thank you for reading and please review.**


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